Job Hunting: No Sweat?

Please hire me. I am an experienced teacher hoping to teach at a progressive, independent school where I can be open about my own values. No - boring. Please hire me. I am an anxiety ball and if you do give me a job, it will really make me feel better. Job seeker losing brain cells by the minute - and reading Temple Grandin's Animals in Translation not helping. Please save me from reading the drone about animals. Not persuasive? Hire me - I'm sweaty! I get sweaty every night - peri-menopausal, dontcha know. Could you please hire me, because maybe sometime I'll sweat at work, too?

I have a portfolio and I just realized there is virtually nothing in the "Inclusion" section. And when I say virtually, I mean a picture of an Asian kid, a white kid, and a black kid hugging - someone strike me now - and an "Inclusion statement" I wrote in graduate school. I am an inclusion teacher, so why the hell did I ever make that section? Should I make a list of the disabilities my students have had? Oh- but when I teach autistic children, I will not encourage them to write hundreds of pages of useful information and call it a novel because autistic people often do not have any kind of idiosyncratic voice with which to write creatively. They have other strengths that are outrageous - like empathizing with animals - but creative writing isn't a biggie. Please hire me. I know a lot about animals and "I like kids" (I hate that expression, as if they're a different breed), and kids and animals are both cute. Except for pugs. And except for those bald dogs. And except for those babies who are born with their big-kid faces - ack! That's scary.

Please hire me because the kids in my class always think I'm funny and weird so then they go home happy and everyone thinks I did something. I'll do recess duty? I'll be quiet and obedient. No, can't even pretend. Aha! I will be well-dressed, albeit sweaty, and good-looking. That just comes with the package. I won't fart in front of the kids. Or burp either. I promise not to teach them any bad words, or talk with them about how girls are better than boys. Can I pretend to be Italian? Please hire me. I know all of the Bugs Bunny cartoons, I hate the new crappy animation and I love the new excellent animation, and I'm likeable, especially to people who like me. And sweaty.