impulse to speak, inquire, opine, or chat in Big Kid's direction. It is a vow of almost-silence for me, but I break it to much. Hello, good-bye, and whazzup are okay, but I may not initiate substantive conversation, and over-excitement at his conversation initiation is also a communication-killer. Big Kid does not say these things to me, as that would not be his style, of course.And when he is doing or saying something obnoxious, I hafta work terribly hard to swallow my sarcasm and these icky nasty remarks that pop out of my mouth before I realize how goddawful I sound. This is not a theory. Big Kid and I have talked about it. It is one of the rare instances in which being a bitch is not working for me. I pray to the Goddess of Chatty for wisdom. Perhaps I should switch to a Silence Goddess, but that seems so dull?
Tonight, I drove Big Kid to the movies. It was really far. We took his friend too. Friend had to look through all of the movie listings once we were on the way to a particular movie. Then he had to read off each movie and listen to my summary. I did pretty well. I thought maybe Big Kid was getting irritated at Friend, so I tried to sound relaxed about the fact that I was already driving toward the theater where the original movie choice was playing. And it was a million fucking miles away, and I am a saint, a Jewish mother saint. (I finally said it - it's a relief to come out with the truth.)
Friend alluded to paying for himself, but I assured him I would pay, even as I was getting
nervous about how much that particular theater costs. Big Kids eat like swines. Pregnant swines. So it took me a few minutes to locate the theater, and I dropped off the Big Kids to go get tickets. The excellent movie we were supposed to go see was sold out. Big Kid looked bummed and mopey. Friend popped around chatting about which movie to see, sorta like a Pez dispenser, but without any offer of candy. He seemed to have missed the concept of all other movies having started half an hour earlier. There were no goddamn choices. I behaved, though, like a pious monk. That was a foreshadowing of the bad-as-crap movie we would end up seeing. (Monks featured, and they were not Tony Shalhoub. They were draped, colorless, and silent.)We "chose" the monk-y British King flick with Peter O'Toole and Richard Burton. I was so preoccupied at that point that I forgot that they're both dead. It was a fucking sixties epic, except there was no fucking. It sucked. It was not Children of Men. It was not Clive Owen. It was the disturbing mashed-potato face of Richard Burton in a big religious dress and a crown to match. It was agony. I kept looking over at Big Kid - I had assumed I would sit in the back, but they were both like sit with us, whaddevvah - for some sort of sign that we were
sharing the this-movie-sucks moment. But we weren't. Friend had actually studied the King Henry number something history and now had an interest. The very idea of an interest in conflicts in England hundreds of years ago is science fiction for me. I'm a world history dumbass, with the exception of a few "explorers" who claimed they discovered shit that was already here and belonged to someone else.In the car on the way home (finally), friend said he really liked the movie. He asked me what I thought, and I told him I didn't like it. Thinking he needed to defend his opinion, he said "Well, I don't get out much." I thought that was hilarious, and I reassured Friend that everyone is entitled to his or her own taste. So perhaps Friend had simply been very anxious to go to just the right movie, or perhaps he was a tad nervous being out, hence the pre-movie ruminating about what to see.
After that, The Big Kids talked about science fiction authors, and plots, and books they had liked a lot. I hummed along, eyes on the road, very proud that I had seemed so patient, even during the half hour we had to wait for the monk movie to start. After Friend got out of the car, I did not ask if he is a good friend. I did not ask if he was more of a buddy or a confidante. I said absolutely nothing about feelings. Big Kid, however, said several sentences to me! I responded appropriately. I did not thank him for talking to me. I did not tell him how much I love him, or how mature he seems compared to Friend. I was so good.
Now I will pray for a few more sentences in March.
