Noprah on Oprah

Please register me as Anti-Oprah. She's a one-woman narcissistic corporate machine of superficial hair and false sentiment. Sure, she gives a lotta crap away. Ever catch the look on her face after all those poor suckers cheer for her? She tosses 'em a penny, and they're all like ooh, a Broadway show, we love you Oprah. Perfectly intelligent and sophisticated females rhapsodize over the phenom that is Oprah. What the fuck? She's showing us the houses she built in Texas for Katrina survivors. Saint Oprah? I don't think so. I remember when she was Ms. Why-Didja-Cheat? When that stopped working, she became someone else. Now she's all Ms. Mother Theresa. It is truly an i.q.-lowering experience to watch her expression as she asks - I had pneumonia, gimme a break - a "tough" question. Ha! How's about her brave turn-around when she condemned plagiarism, only after her followers complained?

I say she's offering herself up as the leader of a new religion. And I'm leery whenever a group of people is devoted to any religion, even if it's mine. Oprah worship is particularly repellent to me, however. What's up with the pseudo-honesty? Why does David Letterman give a shit? Am I supposed to link to all this stuff? Like, why? (I only link if I think it's a good thing to look at!) I'll tell ya right now that Oprah can hold a serious pseudo-soulful expression, while Brooke Shields describes her descent into post-partum depression, for a good 40 minutes. Maybe they inject Botox around the mouth before she takes the stage. Or maybe it's computer-generated animation. She can hawk a book like the best saleswoman around; she can go on about her favorite lady-like things. Such talent.

I don't give a shit. I don't like Oprah. Her show is dull. Her opinions are mundane. Her compassion act is all part of raking in the dough and keeping herself in an admired position of warm and beloved - ironically - mother figure. Or maybe she's going for gal next door. At this point, it could be Princess Diana. But I say she can take all of her crap and her romance-novel style, and get offa my t.v. And I'm not buying a book with her name smacked on the cover, either.