Thursday, July 06, 2006

Not Deleting

I've been writing on here and deleting on here because I'm unsure of myself and actually one day it was inadvertent. What happens to one's ego when a sibling dies is apparently well-known: reality is skewed and it takes a while to adjust itself to a new place. Here I am rounding over to almost a year without my brother and so many words to say but they are a fraction of what one feels. It's as if I can't think of the right word, but then, of course, there is none.

Adding to the lack of detail in my picture is the phenomena of Not Getting The Job. I think maybe now I am experiencing that again, but one doesn't know until a few days have passed. Will I be working at a progressive school with lofty ideals, or at a school for disabled children with a grittier curriculum? I'm not sure how much it matters.

My dear friend Mary just married an absolutely right-there, way smart and truly funny man. I wasn't sure how a wedding would do for me at this particular moment. But Mary is no ordinary person, and when I met her other close friends - all of whom I had heard about for years - I liked each one immediately. A bunch of strong personalities, and all indifferent to the superficial crap that women compete over in subtle ways. Two of us gave Mary a foot rub - Stacy on the right, and me on the left. Mary hadn't realized that there are certain details one takes care of before a large function - like where people sit - so we happily worked on that for her, too.

I was in a bit of a muddle: all new people, a few days before the anniversary of my brother's death. But I adjusted my lenses and I watched the event and all of the surrounding mini-events, planned and unplanned. Now that I have processed it, I can clearly imagine who my own very close friends are, who would be here for me should I decide to marry. (Oops - I did that years ago.) How absurd, as these people were, and are, here for me as I experience the most horrendous time of my life. My parents, of all people. I call them every day to check on them. Ha! Chrystal and Becca. My first cousin, Barbara. My 2 California friends, both of whom have come to be with us. And my neighbor friends, one right next door. Ball & Chain, even.

This is not a close-the-door and a window opens deal. A door closes and never opens again. Quite a few people lean against it with me, watch while I bang on it for someone to open up, and hang out while I say nothing much of interest, and offer little back. There is not much food at my table. I'm starting to accept my brother's death a little bit. So I wrote about it and I'm not deleting.