I am really bad at expressing myself when I am upset. My friends have always put up with this aspect of my personality. When I was young and foolish, as opposed to older and foolish, I just let my anger rip. My anger was cultivated from a tiny age. My father walked around, when he was home, like a semi-active volcano (pardon the disgusting implication, but he was volatile, so it fits, mostly), and one never knew when he might blow. He was an enormous man, especially if one was a small kid. So when he did arrive home, there was a moment when we wondered what we would get. That led to quite a bit of nerve-wracking stuff. Fast-forward to yelling, hard-working dad, lots of wise-ass kids, and you get a little residual anger. Watching my mother's obedience made me utterly insane.Okay that's an exaggeration. It made me very angry. (Fortunately, they both grew out of it.) Sometime in my twenties, one of my best friends told me he was afraid of me when I was angry. I thought that sounded rather unpleasant. Then I asked my best friend, and she reiterated what he had said, and included a description of how scary it was to be in an argument with me. So I decided to be a better person and deal more reasonably with my anger. Who wants to terrify their friends? Okay, it was slightly satisfying to think I had that power, but it also made me feel like a piece of shit. After all, I remembered my father's death look. Sure enough, my friends had described my death look! Ack! I had inherited it.
Now that I am middle-aged and supposedly wiser, I manage anger and upset with my family very well. I am Ms. Emotional Intelligence and I negotiate all of their crap so that they can understand their own emotions, too. I do the same for my students, and I support my friends. But I seem to be a dumbass when it comes to my own conflict with non-family members whom I love and trust. What is so hard about using those cute little phrases "I was upset when you...?" I don't know. Usually I am too nervous to bring up the issue, or if I do, I manage it badly. One good thing about my job is that we work so closely together that we have to manage our disagreements. This week I did in fact react well to two co-workers simultaneously getting angry with me, so I guess that's progress. I did a combo of "I need some space," with death look (I am guessing), followed up with a yes, we should in fact chat. We were all upset, so it seemed to be a good choice. I knew if I spoke too soon, my meanie might pop out. Apologies all around ensued.
On I Love Lucy, when Lucy and Ethel argued, they just yelled in each other's faces, stormed off to cry, pouted a bit, said they were sorry, then they made up. That seems about right to me. Oh, that life were that simple. I think at this point I have graduated from the bossy cartoon Lucy to maybe Charlie Brown: Less unnecessary anger, but still a big dork.
