Guide to Mediocre Mothering

Here's how one gets into The Crappy Mother Book. I have referred in the past to the Good Mother Book, particularly when insisting that my children eat two spears of broccoli even when they're not in the mood. But I'm changing course, moving into my realistic phase. Here's how to get into The Crappy Mother Book:

Wait long enough to make dinner so that your teenager volunteers to make it.

Spend a lotta time communicating with guidance counselors and teachers while completely ignoring the children.

Take on all emotional concerns of your children because you know you can do it better than your partner, even though your are exhausted. Be smug about it.

Complain about work so that your kids get a complete picture of the experience of adulthood. Then lamely tell them that you really do enjoy your job, proving that parents truly are hypocrites.

Go on a trip and forget your asthmatic child's new medicine, despite the fact that he just had a problem a few days before. When your pathetic health insurance won't pay for a dose at a different pharmacy, leave him no choice but to take the old stuff that makes him queasy and dizzy. Say you are going to call the health insurer later and give them what-for, or what-have-you. Take a nap instead.

Let your children watch cable t.v. for hours when they visit the grandparents, then feign surprise when they mention something wildly inappropriate in front of a neighbor.

Say "that's right, shithead" to stupid drivers while your little one is in the back seat.

Skip her bedtime ritual when 24 is on.

Make them clean their rooms when yours is an absolute sty.

And finally: take a third cookie when they're each having two, and tell them it's because you "feel like it."

Is there a martini and cigarettes category or would that be gauche?

Testosterone Visits and Streams of Semi-Consciousness

Some men are reading my blog. Part of it is my fault. And part of it is hilarious. But the original intent was that I could write about the two-ton hemorrhoid what I gave birth to, along with my children, without feeling hampered. What if a man should read about the excess hair? The lack of any real substance to my personality? Actually, that's a bit disingenuous: I do have a few quality items to express about politics, parenting, and childhood, but my fashion comments and my penis curiosities lack the intellectual rigor and research that I should have given them.

Note to self: when giving blog name to old friend at reunion, pretend you did not have extra-strong margarita (I never did triple sec in there before), and remember to say it's kinda confidential. But then if a man reads this it ends up being funny anyway because it's so estrogen-bound. Maybe someone will write in and actually clarify the whole burning issue of gender? Nooo - anonymity? Women finding spaces in which to commune without male feedback? Why does this strike me as funny? Did I take an extra little pill today? If an issue arises vis-a-vis people of the male gender peeking in, I'll letcha know.

So there's this guy, right? Speaking of guys. (Did I just write that? Am I a middle-aged man sitting at a bar?) And he makes it seem like he's giving me a job. Being naturally negative, I am not one to pretend that someone seems to be giving me positive signals. When he decides no, he emails me the rejection! I spend half a day at the goddamn place and all I get is a lame-ass email. When I ask him why he's basically like: well that's what we decided. I think of chicken testicles, only I don't know if chickens have testicles, but if they do, I bet they look like that slimy yellow chicken skin with little lumps.

Remember the guy from "Crossing Delancey?" He was kinda hot in a Jewishy dark way, and Amy Irving was sultress/idiot stereotype, too foolish to realize her lust target was a cad, but the good Jewishe boy was decent, loyal, and certainly circumcised. At one point, Jewish boy says, referring to his pickle barrel business, and forever winning my politically incorrect heart, "What? You think it defines me?" And he is so right because he was a hottie and intelligent, despite the fact that he was cast as a pickle guy. He went on to make some excellent films, and poor Amy Irving spent years wondering what color to dye her hair. You knew after a few days she'd go back to the artsy cool stereotype guy and pickle man would settle down and have a buncha kids with braces.

Personally, I adhere to no stereotypes, unless women writers who start out writing about one thing always inevitably end up writing about the dish on mediocre actors, job rejections, and lost anonymity. All of these topics tie together, actually, because I am taking poetic license. I earned my poetic license after years with a permit and now I am allowed to say whaddevah the hell I want to. And what I want to say is that any man who reads this and actually knows me should skip any part that you think maybe is just for females, start selling pickles, date a confused Jewish woman, or, even better, call the lady if you don't wanna hire her, instead of sending a chickenball email.

Sluts, Reminiscing

I went to a high school reunion tonight. We went to an avante-garde type school, very small, academic, eclectic. The reunion felt a bit more like a dinner party - which it was - than a meeting between a bunch of young people who had so much promise. I suppose that's the stereotypical reaction. Once my friends and I left, though, it was quite fun to reminisce about absurd liasons and folktales regarding penis size. Is there anything more compelling than a second-hand story about an old friend's habits with his old friend, so to speak? Fortunately, we had a male to consult, who clarified the situation somewhat.

It reminded me of the time when I asked a high school boy, sort of on a dare - because we all were wondering - where a guy puts his penis when it's not in use. Did he wrap it up? Push it down? We were on a school trip in the country. The boy I questioned was very open and relaxed about such matters. Still, I got a muffled response. Later,my friends and I walked up the big hill and saw a group of smiling boys. They called over with different explanations of where they put their dicks. We all laughed about it. That was the kind of intellectual interaction that took place, and noticeably, without any malevolence or repercussions.

Anyway, some of the best people at the reunion are my friends already. And others seemed like distant photos, barely catching my interest. I wonder why people are driven to reunite, even knowing that it'a a brief encounter? I wonder why women so quickly gravitate toward the subject of the guy with the tiny penis and the guy with the huge one? It's questions like these that are the hallmark of a prep school graduate. (Or perhaps life in early academia is different now.) Our experience could be called budding scholar/ practicing slut; or budding slut/practicing scholar. Either way, the study of the penis was an essential element.

Blogsource is Hurting My Brain.

I go to Kloe's blog. I read good stuff. I wanna comment, especially when she lists the things she likes to do, and I continue to find similarities between the two of us. But blogsource won't let me in. He keeps telling me there's already someone in there, and it's me. Finally today, he said I could come in, but only if I create a blogsource blog. No thanks! And the worst part is that I know it's because I am a tech doofus, and the solution is probably quite straightforward. How frustrating. The only person who can really help me is Jude, or !, the teen formerly known as my son. Meanwhile, times goes by, and I wanna talk to Kloe, goddammit! The little men inside this computer are really bothering me this week.