Lou changed his mind, temporarily. I do not start teaching my new doobers this week. I teach some other doobers for a coupla weeks so that their regular teacher can teach about MCAS (impending standardized test). Lou is quixotic? Impulsive? The teacher for whom I am covering, Princess Priscilla, is all freaked out and I'm like this is my fourth job here since November-fuck off! And remove the argyle sweater before I puke. It is all a flashback to Freako (former co-teacher who got mad at me and then complained to Lou). Why oh why? My schedule, my lunch break, it's all changed. But only temporarily until the next big idea.
Fortunately, Ball & Chain has been very supportive. Until last night. Last night he told me to forget about it, drop it. Then he told me that things with Freako were intense, and then they "just flipped." Dontcha hate it when people cannot say what they wanna say so instead they say something so meaningless and stupid you're like 'shove off' and you fall asleep and wake up 7 times?
I called my therapist. How cliche. She said it is normal for me to continue to be upset about Freako, despite Ball & Chain's advice - "forget it" - such classic repressive bullshit. Pearls of wisdom he gives me. Freako jeopardizes my job and I should forget it? Princess Priscilla told Freako that she does not like working with other people. Ha!
Why should work matter to me? Because it does, for fuck's sake. Half the time I am doing great stuff with students and the other half the time my head's shoved so far up my ass I could suck my navel in like a pacifier. Tuesday I have a new class; Wednesday I'm covering someone else's class for two weeks. Would this not make an otherwise fucked-up person even more fucked up?
Oh I know. It must be hard on the students too. God I'm sicka that - I put kids first all day every day. Kids are resilient. Let's focus on the real problem. I'm middle-fucking-aged, a cheese with just the hints of mold, and wherever I work I seem to cause a disturbance because I am either dysfunctional somehow or else I have a big fucking mouth. Not literally a fucking mouth, but I suppose at some moments it has been. You get the gyst.
The absolute worst part is that I have no fucking goddamn crumb of an idea whether Freako regrets being an extreme ass, realizes how much I did, or even notices any of this crap. After being "friends " for a coupla months, I suspect he's all flippy about it - a very sensitive and bizarre-ish type - but why the fuck do I care? It's half juicy gossip and half I-thought-it-was- all-good but it was all bad, and working in the same vicinity when two people have discomfort is discomfortable.
I am a fucked up emotional angry needy bitch. I need a cigarette a vodka some very loud music and someone to yell at. I should probably be saying something like he tried to take my dignity, but my ovaries are intact. Instead I'm more he fucked with my job and now I'm a paranoid doormat. In more practical terms, I'm I gotta go cook dinner because my people require food three times a day.
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