Guide to Mediocre Mothering

Here's how one gets into The Crappy Mother Book. I have referred in the past to the Good Mother Book, particularly when insisting that my children eat two spears of broccoli even when they're not in the mood. But I'm changing course, moving into my realistic phase. Here's how to get into The Crappy Mother Book:

Wait long enough to make dinner so that your teenager volunteers to make it.

Spend a lotta time communicating with guidance counselors and teachers while completely ignoring the children.

Take on all emotional concerns of your children because you know you can do it better than your partner, even though your are exhausted. Be smug about it.

Complain about work so that your kids get a complete picture of the experience of adulthood. Then lamely tell them that you really do enjoy your job, proving that parents truly are hypocrites.

Go on a trip and forget your asthmatic child's new medicine, despite the fact that he just had a problem a few days before. When your pathetic health insurance won't pay for a dose at a different pharmacy, leave him no choice but to take the old stuff that makes him queasy and dizzy. Say you are going to call the health insurer later and give them what-for, or what-have-you. Take a nap instead.

Let your children watch cable t.v. for hours when they visit the grandparents, then feign surprise when they mention something wildly inappropriate in front of a neighbor.

Say "that's right, shithead" to stupid drivers while your little one is in the back seat.

Skip her bedtime ritual when 24 is on.

Make them clean their rooms when yours is an absolute sty.

And finally: take a third cookie when they're each having two, and tell them it's because you "feel like it."

Is there a martini and cigarettes category or would that be gauche?