Pussy-Whipped in the Comments Section

I had heard about a ridiculous blog in which a woman describes her obligation to be thin for her husband, and I thought, old news, I've heard that crap before. But then Becca wrote an insightful blog in response to the original. I was intrigued because Becca makes the important distinction between living a life together as two people and actually identifying as one unit - that old thing about two branches, one tree, that always bothered me. I wrote in a comment, and when the original blog writer said something about my assumptions, well, I sorta caved. I was so goddamn typically female. I apologized -because in part she was right - but then I went on to analyze the reason why - my fat family - I must really have been talking about my own faults rather than making social commentary. I was pussy-whipped by one of Martha Stuart's foot soldiers, hammered by a laundry-detergent advocate. I even pledged to go to her blog! And when I went, it was like stepping into Stepford, only without the warm, fuzzy feeling. Holy shit!

Worse, I had had the knee-jerk reaction that so many women do when a conflict arises: make nice. I am sick of making nice. I tire, I sprout gray, from following the fucking rules. It is absurd that I practically get ill every time I think someone is mad at me, or maybe I haven't done a good job, or I've been insensitive in some way. I have never even met this blogging person before, and I'm fucking apologizing to her. One of her claims is that it's bad to have a fat spouse because sex could hurt. Like, how? Is that when the fat is sharp, or sprays cholesterol bullets?

How many times have I apologized or covered or basically lied to avoid conflict? I am guessing a lot. The advice columns are filled with ways to politely spare feelings, not from brutal unkindness, but even shit like, "could we just have adults at dinner?" So in the spirit of making lists, and especially because I read Bonanza Jellybean's excellent list today, I am making a partial list of things for which a woman should never apologize:

1. Farting. Hey, if we have to operate and maintain all the machinery down there, we should be able to fart in peace.
2. Any aspect of our appearance. You don't like it, change the channel.
3. Telling off someone else's kid. An under-estimated pastime, especially when the responsible party is ignoring his/her progeny. Just yesterday, I said "I don't like it when you stick out your tongue at me," and the offending party disappeared for the rest of the night.
4. Sticking out your tongue at someone you dislike. Very satisfying.
5. Swearing. What bastard decided that some words are off-limits to proper-fucking-discourse? To hell with that.
6. Being bumped into. When a person bumps into me, I often find myself saying "excuse me, I'm sorry," pausing, and then saying to mysef, after offending party has walked past, "what the fuck? He bumped into me!"
7. Not being interested in sex. Obvious reasons.
8. Over-cooking dinner. Ditto.
9. Not making dinner. Isn't raw the new rave?
10. Disagreeing with one's spouse. Not only should you avoid apology, but this should be embraced as a sport.
11. Being your own self. If you're fat now, or somehow looking less 'attractive' than you did when you first met your partner, consider yourself human, consider him or her lucky, and open a bag of chocolate chip cookies.

I'm sorry - was that one too many?