The Tele-Polygamy Solution: A Cure for Man & Strife

Oh I do so question the fundamental idea of American marriage. Why are we so down on polygamy? I could still be with my kids, but the Ball & Chain's tendency to act as if the television were a soul-mate would be another gal's burden. Actually, I may have hit on something right there. It was gradual - when we first met, there was no t.v. in sight - but over time, B&C has made a heart-felt commitment to the television. There was no sudden something, there was just a gradual tendency to tape shows, assume that I knew he'd be watching hours-long homo-erotic videos, i.e. football, and the tendency to pay far more attention to that square box, its general health and schedule, than to me.

Jealous of the television? Hardly. If we can ever get a big-screen plasma mega-wall covering, I may covet the television, and devote myself. Currently, the television has saved me from the above-mentioned drench of American marriage. Here are my perfectly lovely kids. Why must they be related to B&C as well? It is so inconvenient when I am compelled to listen to his opinion regarding their care. In truth, his efforts have improved of late. Nevertheless, I am confident in the assertion that any of my judgments regarding children will be superior to his. Not necessarily because I know all, but because I always know more than him. Adolescent boy sex education is the exception. But even then, I had to direct him from 'behind the scenes.' This is what fathers do, etc. Yawn.

My main consultants are the women in my life, of course. My Mama, once smart and now phenomenally smart regarding people and child-rearing; Chrystal, whose child-rearing talents include kicking out her lazy-ass ex; Becca, who also lives with 2 children and a human husband; and other peoples, including my sister and two lovely and intelligent neighbor-friends who are with "grown men." We often chat, house-to-house, about the mediocrity of marriage and the most recent unfortunate events. I'd call it a series, but that name's been taken.

Back to the television. Not all marriages have a television. If you have been with the same man - lesbians, I envy you, I once thought I was a lesbian, I am certainly oriented in either direction, but I must exclude you from the idiocy that is man and wife - I do recommend getting a television and introducing him to some nice attractive shows. Perhaps he likes sports? Cleavage? Sexual content? Guns, car chases, idiotic cartoons? If he fits into any of these categories, you may have a chance at the Tele-Polygamy Respite Program. Mind you, it's not for everyone. If you enjoy your partner's company most of the time, well, you have obviously not been married long and I don't know why you're reading. Similarly, if you have a long-distance relationship, you're all set. At-home-moms may enjoy the solution because even when he's there, he's not. But then again, you may want to use his at-home time to bitch and ditch, off to see a friend and get a break from the house.

I am hereby creating the Tele-Polygamy Respite Program for all aggrieved overly-married women. More qualification requirements will be forthcoming, but I suspect you know who you are. In the meantime, there is not much on today, so I have some serious errands to run. The daughter rejected B&C's offer to go to an event, so that she could be with me. Like mother, like daughter: a genius.