Yesterday this smarmy lady on the t.v. news which I do not usually watch (and now I remember why - it's so fucking stupid) - obsessively gave whispery-sweet advice on how to raise a girl who feels comfortable with her body. She said not to kvetch about how your ass - or my ass, as it were - looks in jeans, not to make self-deprecating remarks about my body, and to encourage Rugelah to exercise with me, or some such shit. Too late! She said it all with a condescending smile, as if she were actually giving new advice. This after another woman wrote an entire column in the New York Times about how to "re-gift" politely. That one had little hints like remove the card that was on the original gift, and if it's a piece of crap don't give it to someone else. This is the Seinfeld of the news. Write about nothing!
Far be it from me to write about the fact that women seem to be writing about nothing for the benefit of other women who presumably want to read about nothing and how it applies to their vacuous lives. That would make me an accomplice. Still, the magazines! I understand that they are all part of an evil plan to convince women we could all be better, but why must so many of the articles be about void of substance? How do I know they are brain-draining crap? My dear sister-in-law, Betty, came to visit. She hauled over all of the Self and Self-less and My Self type stuff. Some of the clothing in those ads was excellent, but the articles were about eating vegetables and injecting the fat from your ass into your cheeks. Cheek to cheek-ha!
Naturally, I have my own more pertinent advice for the modern woman who feels she looks like crap, has too much to do, and wants to read in-depth coverage of real women's issues:
1.) Wear a mini-pad. In your undies, please, and nowhere else. Inevitably, you will bleed irregularly due to medications, mothering stress, peri-menopause, break-through bleeding, an ovarian cyst, or simply a suddenly heavy period. If you are post-menopause, quit gloating.
2.) Don't wear the wrong color lipstick. Orange is always the wrong color. You'll look like a clown - the bad kind.
3.) Don't watch The View or any other mainstream female-ish show. It's a mysogynist and anti-semitic plot to convince you that Barbara Walters is actually a Jewish woman. Ack!
4.) Finish that delicious thing on your plate because if you don't when you're hungry later you'll be like why oh why can't I eat that now?
5.) Drink a lotta coffee with sugar, and I don't mean decaf! This will keep you perky and awake, even in the middle of the night! Added benefit: increased productivity.
7.) Practice dental hygiene. You may look haggard, you may feel like you're one hundred and one, but if your breath stinks, you have really sunk to the depths. Alternatively, if your partner is bothering you, avoid dental hygiene.
8.) Save time by giving your kids frozen food. You can stick a large frozen thing into the microwave, and within minutes have pseudo-food. Put some dressing on some lettuce, too - no, not spinach, for crissake - provide a glass of cow's milk, or soda, and it's a healthy meal. If your kid has allergies, well, you're screwed. Also, unless you know the cow personally, opt for the soda.
9.) If your kid does not have allergies, think about what a lazy bitch you are. Only for 10 seconds, though. Give them fruit for dessert and you'll be like the goddess of pseudo-health. Unless you grew the fruit in a hydroponic container, opt for a Twinkie instead.
10.) Don't wear a winter hat if you have curly hair. When you take it off, you will have clown-head, as in Bozo. Refer back to item 2. If you really wanna look like a clown, you know what to do.
11.) Stay away from any magazine that purports to give advice about how to feel better. Some days you will feel like shit, and other days you will feel good. Most of the time you will be somewhere in-between. No amount of self-hating pseudo-improvement can change that.
I hope my list is of help to anyone feeling oppressed by the pod-people. Gotta run - I have an appointment to sit on my ass and create a scrapbook of these, the days of the empowered woman.
Far be it from me to write about the fact that women seem to be writing about nothing for the benefit of other women who presumably want to read about nothing and how it applies to their vacuous lives. That would make me an accomplice. Still, the magazines! I understand that they are all part of an evil plan to convince women we could all be better, but why must so many of the articles be about void of substance? How do I know they are brain-draining crap? My dear sister-in-law, Betty, came to visit. She hauled over all of the Self and Self-less and My Self type stuff. Some of the clothing in those ads was excellent, but the articles were about eating vegetables and injecting the fat from your ass into your cheeks. Cheek to cheek-ha!
Naturally, I have my own more pertinent advice for the modern woman who feels she looks like crap, has too much to do, and wants to read in-depth coverage of real women's issues:
1.) Wear a mini-pad. In your undies, please, and nowhere else. Inevitably, you will bleed irregularly due to medications, mothering stress, peri-menopause, break-through bleeding, an ovarian cyst, or simply a suddenly heavy period. If you are post-menopause, quit gloating.
2.) Don't wear the wrong color lipstick. Orange is always the wrong color. You'll look like a clown - the bad kind.
3.) Don't watch The View or any other mainstream female-ish show. It's a mysogynist and anti-semitic plot to convince you that Barbara Walters is actually a Jewish woman. Ack!
4.) Finish that delicious thing on your plate because if you don't when you're hungry later you'll be like why oh why can't I eat that now?
5.) Drink a lotta coffee with sugar, and I don't mean decaf! This will keep you perky and awake, even in the middle of the night! Added benefit: increased productivity.
7.) Practice dental hygiene. You may look haggard, you may feel like you're one hundred and one, but if your breath stinks, you have really sunk to the depths. Alternatively, if your partner is bothering you, avoid dental hygiene.
8.) Save time by giving your kids frozen food. You can stick a large frozen thing into the microwave, and within minutes have pseudo-food. Put some dressing on some lettuce, too - no, not spinach, for crissake - provide a glass of cow's milk, or soda, and it's a healthy meal. If your kid has allergies, well, you're screwed. Also, unless you know the cow personally, opt for the soda.
9.) If your kid does not have allergies, think about what a lazy bitch you are. Only for 10 seconds, though. Give them fruit for dessert and you'll be like the goddess of pseudo-health. Unless you grew the fruit in a hydroponic container, opt for a Twinkie instead.
10.) Don't wear a winter hat if you have curly hair. When you take it off, you will have clown-head, as in Bozo. Refer back to item 2. If you really wanna look like a clown, you know what to do.
11.) Stay away from any magazine that purports to give advice about how to feel better. Some days you will feel like shit, and other days you will feel good. Most of the time you will be somewhere in-between. No amount of self-hating pseudo-improvement can change that.
I hope my list is of help to anyone feeling oppressed by the pod-people. Gotta run - I have an appointment to sit on my ass and create a scrapbook of these, the days of the empowered woman.
This is the most hilarious, best list I have seen in ages. Nicely done!
ReplyDeletethis made me laugh out loud! thank you.
ReplyDelete