Whoopi Goldberg and Other Musings

Whoopi Goldberg looking over her glasses from out of the Sunday paper is far superior to looking at the pouchy faces we're ordinarily subjected to with our coffee. That crackly voice and her relaxed attitude have always appealed to me. The nun movie? The comedy shows with Robin Williams and Billy Crystal? And look at her - no make-up, or at least something akin to an actual human face. A humored, wide smile, and happily wild hair. When I opened the New York Times Magazine this morning, there was a Deborah Solomon interview in which the reporter attempts to either prove her superiority or her irritability - it's hard to tell which. Nevertheless, she was woefully outwitted by the ever-clever Whoopi.

I had sorta forgotten about Whoopi since I hadn't seem any of her recent crappy movies (I think they are all crappy, but I like her in them anyway, especially the one in which she coaches the baseball team). New York Times Magazine readers often complain that Ms. Solomon is uptight or biased in some way. Today she played the straight man, as it were, to perfection. She actually used the phrase "never mind," because Whoopi out-quipped her. How many people can spurn a reporter by saying "I'm not that deep"?

I guess there's been some big hoo-ha recently about Oprah not inviting Whoopi to a big Diva Dinner. I have reported my opinion of Oprah, and it was only reinforced recently when I saw her magazine, O, on the rack. What is that? Is she like O is for Oprah? Orgasm? Oh! It's me again, Oprah! And every single how-to-be-healthy-in-ten-easy-lessons issue has Oprah's sandwashed photo on it. She may be narcissistic, but she is also the center of the O-niverse! In contrast, Whoopi is on the radio, talking about how people oughtta be more considerate of one another. She plays fun music in between, apparently, so she can run to the lavatory if necessary (Deborah dislikes the music). Oprah's all 'O Me O Me' and Whoopi's talking on the radio, and posing in her very regular clothes.

Why should I compare two black celebrities? It just so happens that these two people are very prominent celebrities and one of them is a talented comedian;I am an opinionated woman, passionately involved in sociological issues, and comparing celebrities is practically an advanced seminar in cultural literacy. Also, there's the matter of my ego: how come no one pays as much attention to the people I like? That actor in Crossing Delancey - he was great. "Do you think my job defines me?" he hollered at Amy Irving, who couldn't admit that she had the hots for a Jewish pickle-man. Where did he go? Gotta google that. The Green Party woman - Jill Stein - an intelligent person, not a celebrity, but close - a politician. Why didn't people vote for her? She was intelligent, warm, articulate. Would there ever be a J Magazine? Well, of course not!

What if Whoopi had a magazine? "Ten Reasons to Listen to The Radio," or "There is Nothing About Oprah in Here." If she had a magazine, would I still like her? More importantly, if she were as rich and famous as Oprah - and she's probably pretty rich and famous as is - would she still talk about the natural need to fart when one is on stage for hours? Most important, if I were as rich and famous as either one of them, would I be deep, like Oprah, or shallow like Whoopi? I'm off to call my psychic. I think I'll fart along the way.