I Quit

Okay enough of the Lou Grant stuff. He wasn't Ed Asner, he wasn't Lou Grant, he wasn't even a he. He was a she. When I first started writing about it, that seemed irrelevant. But now I believe that no male boss would have the nerve to bully me in quite that way. Did I really write that? I did. Somehow I seem to irritate female bosses, asking more questions than they want me to answer. Of course men in general are bigger bullies than women, but my experience is that my female bosses have not wanted to hear from me. One of them told me that when I asked questions, she felt I was undermining her authority. But, like, I truly needed clarification. Was I supposeta just walk off, dumb?

I am freaked out, to say the least. She Who Shall Not Be Named refused to speak with me, forbade me to speak with others about certain topics, chastised me for discussing the design of my classroom with co-workers, and put me in a training for first year teachers. That's just the beginning, but it all came to be utterly humiliating. I felt a visceral sense, driving home one day, that I could not do it. I knew she would not write me a reference; I knew that I might end up back in the hospital, after years of staying out.

Me, being defensive: one veteran teacher cried after a staff meeting ('I can't believe I'm doing this again.'). Many were up in arms. The head of special needs told me she had to work all summer because people kept quitting. So the day I resigned, I was thrilled, freed, liberated. Then came the next day. Why? Why do I choose crazy quirky schools? Why can't I tolerate following orders, even when they don't make sense? Why wasn't I a movie star like everyone in the magazines? They obviously have no problems.

I did finally receive some good news, and that's why I am able to blog: the wonderful pre-school where I useta work contacted me and they have openings. They loved me. But it doesn't pay enough. I would have to tutor, too, which would be good if I knew I had the tutoring students. Meanwhile, I am applying to every possible job and trying to squeeze a reference out of justabout anybody.

Oh, and did I mention that I have no money? Oy vesmir.