Oh My, Sex

I'm telling this story for Vaginella, my Sex Story Siren and Consultant Extraordinaire. This is a true story, but kinda like Lucy's Canya Believe This? It is utterly shallow but intriguing in the way that supermarket rags catch your eye. I like sex, but in my middle age, or almost-middle age, it just doesn't compel me so utterly as it seems to do for other people. It is quite lovely, but not the center of my universe.

Vaginella's ex from a while back had an erection problem. He - and his brother - were both able to have about 8 orgasms per day (we hope not in the same room, of course). Not just able, but it was something of a necessity. Before I go any further, I must reveal my own bias, upon hearing that news. Gross, Man! That is just too much hard dick for me to fathom. And what did he do in between masturbation sessions? Vaginella had a grand old time with him, but even She of Large Erotic Appetite became a mite fatigued.

After the inevitable break-up, Ella looked back at his profile on the dating site through which they had met. He wrote some less-than-flattering things about women being needy (yawn), and then revealed that he was thinking he might be bisexual. For some reason, this really bothered Ella. She was convinced that he had not been too interested in her at all, and that all of that sex they had was really his poor substitute for sucking a guy's dick. That sounds harsh, I know, but Ella kept repeating this dick-sucking thing. So I was like, get over it. And why should it matter anyway? Gay men do that, and they like it, and geez, we do it too. Every once in a while, when referring back to the Ex/Busy-Penis Guy, she would gripe about the idea that he wanted to suck dick.

Finally, last week end, Ella told me the real story behind her suck-dick issue. Justa few weeks after the break-up, Ella's close pal at work, Labiaretta, questioned Ella fiercely about her sexual habits, and finally told Ella that she was privy to some very personal information about Mr. Suck Dick (aka Busy-Penis Guy). Are ya still with me? Because there really will be a point, or two points if you count the dick - oh, you know what I mean. Or maybe the point is that I will never mature? That sex is actually funny? Back to the totally-convoluted plot: Lab had met a guy on a dating site, and did I mention they all work together? And this guy told her that he had discovered that it was his fondest wish to suck a guy's dick. He also revealed that he had had sex with innumerable groups of people, following his break-up with his last female friend. His favorite experience was to lie beneath a woman while she was having intercourse with someone else. He wanted to explore his submissive side. (I'll ignore the premise that women are submissive because it's so fucking stupid (ha), and irrelevant here.)

More confessing: I am so naive and I am such an adolescent about this stuff. His submissive side? Is that like what sex sophisticates talk about? I must be the female lefty version of the '50s housewife. It's all okay and good when consenting adults express their love, but omigod do people truly tie each other up or eat an ice cream sundae offa someone else's crotch? Yikes! Help! I'm not ready for that. It's so, so, out there. I am not out there. I am in here, with the other nature gals and uptight folks who fuck sans acoutrements. (I hope sans does mean without because that sounded so good.)

But, but, butt(?) - I am getting punchy here - back to the story: neither Labiaretta nor Mr. Dick knew who the other was. That is, until Dick sent along his photo. Behold, it was not a dashing stranger, but instead, her dull co-worker. Lab realized that the dork across the hall was the Dick that doesn't stop and that he is Mr. Suck Dick, all rolled up into one. Lo, he was/is the ex-boyfriend of her pal, our very own Vaginella. Labiaretta naturally told Vaginella everything, and that's when Ella began hounding me with her concern that her ex actually had things in mind when they had sex, but they were not the things one woman could give him.

The tale is instructive because you never know when your most personal sex wish and your anonymity may be torn from you so that an ex's repressed friend can wonder and poke fun at the coincidence of it all on her blog. I am happy for Mr. Suck Dick that he has figured out what he wants to do, but he might fare better if he does more fucking and less emailing. And if you are on the web meeting fantasy-folks, don't send the picture. Ouch.