Breakback It To Me Slowly

I have not seen "Brokeback Mountain," but that's not the point. Straight women everywhere are talking about the movie, in earnest hope of establishing their status as not turned on. Personally, I have always embraced the concept of male homosexuality, especially since I had several relationships with women when I was younger. I still find certain women attractive (I'm married, not dead), but I remain a straight married lady, monogamous. You're okay, I'm okay; gay is good.

But I did always wonder about the actual sex. I mean I was intimidated by the little fact that it involved someone's actual asshole. Oh! I am so sorry! I am an ignorant jerk. But that's like, the point. Then a few weeks ago, right before the Brokeback fever - which involves hordes of straight women simultaneously expressing distaste for seeing gay sex and going to see the movie - a graphic gay porn shot showed up on my screen. I was aghast and also relieved: so that's how it works! I had never confessed my homophobic stupidity to anyone until a few days ago, when I spilled the beans to my sister-in-law. We were with a good friend, Pearl, who said she is so turned on by watching men have sex that she couldn't wait to see Heath and Jake breaking their backs, so to speak. When I told my tale of sexophobia, Pearl protested that gay sex was a great thing, and my sister-in-law, Betty, said things like "uh-huh" and "oooh." She was definitely holding back her dismay at my repressed attitude.

After my week of hot marital sex (see previous post), I have a clearer perspective. It's like my old fear of heights. I was terrified of heights when I was younger. Then someone told me a theory that people who have that fear are actually afraid that they might jump, because they are tempted. After hearing about the heights theory, I went whitewater rafting in Canada. I took the opportunity to jump off of a cliff into the water. It felt great! I flew in, the water rushed all around, and I popped up like a toy.

It's only logical then, that I must be afraid of gay sex because I want to have gay sex! Wait, no, back up. I've had sex up the ass - not my cup of tea. Plus I cannot have sex with another man because I am not a man, at all. Here it is: the idea of gay sex must have unnerved me because I actually find it...interesting, intriguing even. I, aspiring former sexually uptight femme, plan to go to "Brokeback Mountain"! I cannot promise to masturbate as I watch, but I will do my best to gauge my reactions. If the proverbial jeans are creamed, I will be the dutiful blogger. And if I am uncomfortable, I will probably clench my ass in virtual hysteria, exacerbating the occasional irritation of the hemorrhoid that I gave birth to twice, along with my kids. Now there's a scary image.